Remodeling Rampage

My sister never met a house she wouldn't like just a little better with a few minor changes.  She was a small child when this tendency was first noticed.  Her favorite toy was Lincoln Logs.  Fairly normal as far as that goes, even for a girl.  But her log cabins never looked like any pioneer structure you've ever seen.  She graduated to a doll house and it was in a perpetual state of construction.  There were little pieces of cardboard cut and taped to form new walls and random holes were chunked out of the ceiling for skylights.  A discarded cracker box became a detached living unit for grandmother doll.   

As time passed, these innocent beginnings blossomed into something slightly more ominous.  When visiting homes of friends, she would go into a trance and stare at their walls, muttering about, ". . .opening up some breathing space."  She would go into bathrooms for an unseemly amount of time, only to emerge smiling, reeling in her industrial strength tape measure.  "There's three square feet of wasted space in there," she would declare. "Let's talk about building some shelves."

Finally, it all came to a head and the family drew a line in the sand (left over from the patio project) and demanded she come out of the closet.  "Peggy," we cried, "come out of the closet and put down that hammer."  We begged her to tell us once and for all what the problem was.  But she wasn't listening.  She was staring at the line we drew in the sand and asked if we were putting a wall there.  "That's it," we declared, "you've got a remodeling problem and it is time you admitted it.  Really Peggy, there's no shame here.   A lot of people change a few things here and there.  You've just let it get out of control and now is the time to get a handle on things."  "Ummm, yeah," she agreed, "handles.  Pretty brass ones with distinctive back plates. It would make those cabinets pop!"

We knew then that she needed professional help.  Surprisingly, there were no listings in the Yellow Pages under RA (Remodeling Anonymous) therapy.  We were on our own.  First, we decided to try aversion therapy.  Every time she started a new remodeling project we smashed her thumb with a hammer.  It was ineffective since she didn't seem to notice.

Next, we did a family intervention.  One day we rented a plain white van and hired a fast driver.  We wheeled into the parking lot at Home Depot just as she was trundling out a loaded lumber cart.  We screeched to a halt and all three sisters leaped to the pavement in front of her cart.  (Well, leaped is stretching the point.  We are old and a little plump, so leaping is not our forte.) "Oh good," she said, " all of these 2 X 4's will fit in the van and the 1 X 6's can go in my truck.  Dianne, grab that can of primer, will you?"

Finally, as a last resort, we turned to tough love.  We had her committed to a facility for a two month rehab program.  After the first two months, they said she wasn't finished and the project would take a little longer.  That seemed like an odd way to phrase a medical diagnosis, but we were desperate and accepted it. Finally, after six months they declared her "finished" and ready to move on to "phase two". Our suspicions were slightly raised when we arrived to pick her up and noticed a beautiful new sun room off the back of the facility. It wasn't until later that the horrifying truth was fully revealed.  Phase two was a halfway house.  She remodeled it.  Now it is a whole way, with skylights and a detached living unit.  

Commercial Attack

"Ring"

"Police Department, How can I help you?"

"I would like to report an assault."

"What kind of assault?"

"TV."

"TV?"

"Yes, TV."

"Someone hit you with a TV?"

"No, the TV assaulted me."

"I'm sorry, I am just a little confused.  How did the TV assault you?"

"Well, you see, it's all the new reality programing.  I find it offensive, in bad taste and it assaults my senses."

"So, don't watch it.  That's what the channel selector is for."

"Yes, that's true and I do exercise my freedom of channel selection, outlined in the Bill of Rights, (just after the right to have unlimited nights and weekends on my cell phone.) But that isn't enough any more.  The commercials for reality television sneak up on me and gross me out.  By the time I flip the channel I have already been forced to watch  5 or 10 seconds of somebody eating something God didn't mean to be eaten.  I believe I have the right to watch television without some sit com bim-beauty being covered with snakes or Donny Osmond embarrassing Utah by eating slugs.  

"Well, as much as I would like to help you, I don't think it is against the law to broadcast reality television promos.  Perhaps you should contact the station and voice your objections."

"I suppose that would be one avenue I could take.  But somehow, I feel that a more proactive stance is called for.  You know, like a protest rally to get their attention.  I was at the University of Memphis in the early 70's.  I totally missed the good stuff of the 60's and have always wanted to stage a protest for something I believed in.  But in the 70's  we didn't believe in anything, so I never got the chance.  I did revolt against accomplishment, but it didn't get me anywhere.  Now's my big chance.  I am full of latent revoltism.  When those stupid commercials started, I thought, here is something truly worth being revolting."

"Well, I see your point, sorta."

"I knew you would know what I should do! Please connect me to your person in charge of protest and sit-ins.  I need to make an appointment to revolt."

"Now wait a minute lady, I never told you to stage a revolt.  Besides, Millington Police Department does not have someone in charge of protests and sit-ins."

"There must be some revolting person over there who can coordinate this kind of thing.  Spontaneous group sit-ins don't just happen, you know.  We need a plan, direction, leadership.  "

"Look lady, all we have here is the D.A.R.E. officer and I don't think he can help you."

"Of course he can.  He's perfect.  I D.A.R.E. to protest! Put him on."

"Good grief."

Foolish Faith 1/2009

I found religion at Walmart today. (You can get anything there) A little explanation might be in order.  I was doing some routine shopping and could not help but notice the after Christmas flurry of decorative, red clearance signs fluttering around the store.  Many customers were taking advantage of the good deals and stocking up on holiday items for next year.

I began to reflect on this phenomena of after Christmas, Christmas shopping.  I am one of those people who marvel at others with enough energy and time to don the house with gay apparel.  I know someone who puts up eleven trees with eleven different themes.  I am hard pressed to do one tree, garland the mantle and throw plaid napkins on the table at dinnertime.  When the season is done (12/25 - noonish), so am I.  But here, at Walmart, I observed basket after heaping basket full of wreaths, pre-lit 7ft trees, and fragile ornaments.  I admit that the prices are tempting but how can you contemplate shopping for items that you won't need for another year? (if then). Particularly, this coming year.  

If you watch the news, you've heard the gloom.  The economy is in the toilet and the big mystic hand of fate hasn't flushed yet.  Worse is coming.  At least, it seems so, if you listen to the news. That being said, who can think about next year's Merry Commercialism season? Apparently, many people, as I was witnessing.

My initial reaction was a judgmental head shake of disbelief.  How can they shop in the face of gloom and doom? But then I had a second reaction.  This one glimmered as a bit of admiration.  These people have faith.  They have heard the same news I have, know the same doomsday scenarios predicted and yet they shop for Christmas 2009.

We have a new baby in our family.  Another classic example of faith.  Every parent knows the horrible thoughts that go through your head during pregnancy.  There are a million things that could go wrong.  Yet, we take the leap of faith and move forward. We take necessary precautions and then close our eyes and leap into the unknown of parenthood.

Faith is foolish.  There is no reason for it.  Because it is not about reason.  It is faith.  Fools rush in.  Welcome to 2009.  No matter what it holds for us economically, it also holds what every other year has always held.  Family, friends, free fun with your kids, and faith in the future.

I bought some Christmas clearance at Walmart today.  I suddenly felt foolishly faith-full that Christmas 2009 would come and I would need more plaid napkins.